Miscellaneous Jokes

 

Evolution in Teaching

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of$20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers )

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100 El costo de la producciones es $80.
¿Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
 
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New Virus Alert

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (or as it's commonly known - WORK)

If you receive WORK of any kind from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via ANY means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private/social life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, follow these instructions:

1. Put on your jacket
2. Take 2 friends to the nearest bar
3. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (or as it's commonly called - WINE)
4. Ingest the antidote orally in 6-8 oz doses repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

PLEASE forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life! This virus is DEADLY! Run (don't walk) to the closest liquor store or restaurant (if you are not near a bar) and administer the antidote immediately!

UPDATE: After extensive testing, it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (or BEER) may be substituted for WINE. Please note that you may require a more generous dosage in order to receive equal benefit of WINE.

Looking out for you and your health!

PS: Another remedy which should only be used in severe cases of infection, do to potency, is Wellness-Healing-Individual-Single-Karo-Elixir-of-Youth or commonly referred to as WHISKEY.

PPS: This virus will make you linger for years on the edge of life and it could be fatal but if you survive, by the time you recover from this disease you will most likely be too tired to have any fun, So be extra vigilant in dealing with this problem.

PPPS: CAUTION - Side effects of overdosing on these remedies may include dry mouth, excessive urination, headache, vomiting, dizziness, light headed, foot-in-mouth, unemployment, in extreme cases weddings, pregnancy, or death.

 
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25 Years

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Older women are great! They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

 
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Pillsbury Doughboy

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much o f his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.

 
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Employee Performance Evaluations

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together"
12. "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier!"
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it"
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30 "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
 
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Math

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

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Gender

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

 
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One Liners

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand ... you have different fingers.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Remember ..... Half of the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm but the SECOND mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect to get it back.

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, it means you're in the wrong lane going the wrong way.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is there's no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Get a new car for your spouse ... it'll be a great trade.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 
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Money Isn't Everything

Money can buy a house...but not a home.
Money can buy a bed...but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock...but not time.
Money can buy a book...but not knowledge.
Money can buy food...but not an appetite.
Money can buy position...but not respect.
Money can buy blood...but not life.
Money can buy medicine...but not health.
Money can buy sex...but not love.
Money can buy insurance...but not safety.
You see, money is not everything.

Therefore, if you have too much, please, send it to me, immediately.

 
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Label Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
(printed on bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other uses.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On those folding car dashboard sunshades:
Do not operate vehicle while sunshade is in place.

And just a final thought:
Why do they have Braille on drive-up ATM machines?

 
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A Friend's Pledge

When you are sad ... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard/bitch who made you sad.
When you are blue ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile ... I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared ... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be so you quit your damn whining.
When you are confused ... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick ... Stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

 
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More Math

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 10 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen..
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 8 nickels? = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision
 
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Parental Advice for the Day

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from the children.
 
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Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside.The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 
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Johnny's Train

A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to him playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your butts on the friggin' train and sit your butts down because we're leaving."

Johnny's mother stormed into the living room and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you've settled down, you can play with your trains again, as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, Johnny came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped and the Johnny's mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under your seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the friggin' bitch in the kitchen."

 
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The End